Monday, March 26, 2012

World shocked by unattractive person with singing talent, believed by scientists to be a genetic trait held only by thin, stylish people.

The world was again taken aback by the unheard of spectacle of an unattractive person who is able to sing well on Monday when opera duo Jonathan Antoine and Charlotte Steal took the stage during the “Britain’s Got Talent” competition.

“I’m pretty sure I’m a genetic anomaly,” Antoine said. “I never see other famous singers that look like me so I guess it’s almost impossible to be large and talented too.”

Ryan Seacrest, who is not a host of the show and has no expertise in singing or culture, but always seems to be hanging around red carpet events and random television shows, said it’s scientifically proven that only hot looking people can sing well.

“I’m pretty sure there was a researcher named Darwin… Chance Darwin or something, who discovered that only thin people with good hair and Urban Outifitter clothes can sing well,” he said, brushing back his own frosted locks.

When contacted for further explanation, geneticist Maurice Brown of the Mayo Clinic seemed disgusted.

“Haven’t any of you morons ever heard of Pavarotti? The guy’s huge and looks like an ox, but he’s the best damned singer in the world. Idiots,” he said, then hung up.

Members of the audience Monday seemed equally shocked.

“I was expecting him to suck because he’s not hot like Bieber,” said Jenny Gordon, 16. “That’s why I was rolling my eyes at him before hearing whether he was good or not.”

Jenny’s mother Janice Gordon, 42, said she was equally taken aback.

“I haven’t seen this kind of thing happen for decades, when Susan Boyle was on this show,” she said. “I was just a girl at the time.”

Judge Simon Cowell, who admitted he has been tone deaf all his life and makes all his judgments based on performers’ body type and clothing style, said every once in a while, an unattractive person gets to be on the show based on the audience’s reaction.

“I mean I can’t tell either way whether they can sing, but usually it doesn’t matter anyway, since merit is based on looks,” he said. “Nature can be damned unpredictable, though.”

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