Friday, April 27, 2012

Fake News Scoop: English geeks cross fingers for chance to kick "The Raven" filmmakers in the butt

Edgar Allan Poe

Not Edgar Allan Poe

Revelations this week that literary giant Edgar Allan Poe had presciently asked before his premature death that a “well-aimed kick in the parasitic arse” be delivered to anyone who reproduces ideas from his works for personal monetary gain have left literature lovers from English majors to PhDs surprised and ecstatic after the release of “The Raven,” a blockbuster movie that takes its name from one of Poe’s most well-known and loved poems.

“I don’t know about you but my foot is itching,” said Lois Strong, a 36-year-old PhD candidate in American Romantic literature at the University of Southern California.

“I can tolerate plotless movies about aliens attacking Los Angeles or even dopey, pointless movies about big blue avatar people, but why do they have to steal from artists like Poe?” she wondered. “What’s next, a romantic comedy about Mary Magdalene? Oh damn, I probably just gave some Hollywood asshole an idea…”

Petite and bespectacled Strong said she is “ready to open my can of whoop ass,” but may not get the chance. 

After a flurry of interest and fears that “The Raven’s” filmmakers could become the target of a mob of otherwise socially awkward and reserved English geeks looking to kick someone in the ass for the first time in their lives, the literary community launched a lottery to select one person to deliver the ass kick.

A drawing is scheduled for the end of the week.

“Oh, I hope it’s me,” said James Lopez, 17, a member of the drama club and debate team at Kennedy High School, who said Poe is his favorite author. “Pick me pick me pick meeeee.”

Lopez said he was irked that “Hollywood morons” would be making large sums of money for taking ideas from the famously impoverished writer, who lived a difficult life and died at the age of 40 after being found distressed and wandering the streets of Baltimore.

“They didn’t even do it well,” Lopez scoffed. “They took a piece of our culture and made another multi-million dollar piece of shit.”

The revelation of Poe’s wishes for the ass kick was made by scholars at Emory University, who said it was discovered that the writer had made the request verbally and it was never written down.

“We know for a fact he said it based on um, some research that we did, but we don’t have any physical proof,” said John Lewis, professor emeritus for the university’s American Literature department who specialized in Poe's writings. “But we know for sure. We do.”

Lewis said he wasn't opposed to the idea of directing his first and only act of physical aggression at the people responsible for the movie, which he called a “crappy-ass insult to my entire field of work.”

“I put my name in," he said. "Twice.”

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Wal-Mart to fight hunger - if you don't work there

The super-sized retail chain famous for its below-low prices launched an ad campaign this month in which it promised to fight hunger with funds garnished from its lowest-priced goods, sparking hope amongst desperate Wal-Mart employees that they may soon get to eat three square meals in one day.

“I’m so excited,” said a beaming Beatrice Sims, 83, a Wal-Mart greeter whose salary and Supplemental Security Income benefits combined leave her with just enough for a meal of toast every morning. “I haven't been this hungry since the goddamned Great Depression.”

Wal-Mart launched the campaign in an effort to counter widespread beliefs that the mega-chain bribes authorities, tramples workers and undercuts living wage guidelines to make massive profits for its owners, the Walton family.

“We really do care about the less fortunate,” said Blaire Walton, sitting poolside at one of her 32 mansions, between bites of specially-bred greasy chicken wings and imported Belgian chocolates. 

“We make prices really cheap because we like to provide the less fortunate with some cheap products or whatever,” she added, before suddenly dozing off.

Wal-Mart employees, who earn poverty wages and are typically expected to apply for government entitlement benefits like Welfare and foodstamps upon application to supplement their incomes, were ecstatic at the idea that Wal-Mart would be launching a charity program to fight hunger.

“I would eat every piece of food in this store if I could afford it,” said Juan Garcia, 43, a Wal-Mart cashier. “When I get to work I usually haven’t eaten for 12 hours because I have to make sure my two kids eat before I do.”

But to the dismay of Wal-Mart employees everywhere, company executives pointed out that the program wouldn’t benefit employees.

“WE HATE THOSE FUCKING COMMUNIST WELFARE QUEENS,” screamed Blaire Walton before dozing off again between bites of succulent chicken.

When asked for further elaboration, Wal-Mart executive Bill Walton said the program would only help people in “the nation of Africa.”

“We love our employees, so we want them to work hard on this Earth so they can go to heaven,” he said, as he swirled a bright blue-colored wine cooler and climbed into one of his Rolls Royces. “In the Bible it says if you work really hard without complaining for minimum wage at a chain store run by Evangelical values voters who are pro-life, you will be blessed after you die with eternal riches.”

When asked which passage of the Bible specified this, Walton said it’s somewhere in the middle but couldn’t name the exact verse.

"We want to make a positive difference in the world," Walton said, after slapping his driver in the back of the head and screaming that the man would get no tip for being late in opening Walton's car door.

"We're not a Christian company but we do know who our customer base is mmkay," he added "If you spend your hard-earned unemployment checks on Wal-Mart products, not one dollar will go toward our commie workers or hedonism."