Friday, April 27, 2012

Fake News Scoop: English geeks cross fingers for chance to kick "The Raven" filmmakers in the butt

Edgar Allan Poe

Not Edgar Allan Poe

Revelations this week that literary giant Edgar Allan Poe had presciently asked before his premature death that a “well-aimed kick in the parasitic arse” be delivered to anyone who reproduces ideas from his works for personal monetary gain have left literature lovers from English majors to PhDs surprised and ecstatic after the release of “The Raven,” a blockbuster movie that takes its name from one of Poe’s most well-known and loved poems.

“I don’t know about you but my foot is itching,” said Lois Strong, a 36-year-old PhD candidate in American Romantic literature at the University of Southern California.

“I can tolerate plotless movies about aliens attacking Los Angeles or even dopey, pointless movies about big blue avatar people, but why do they have to steal from artists like Poe?” she wondered. “What’s next, a romantic comedy about Mary Magdalene? Oh damn, I probably just gave some Hollywood asshole an idea…”

Petite and bespectacled Strong said she is “ready to open my can of whoop ass,” but may not get the chance. 

After a flurry of interest and fears that “The Raven’s” filmmakers could become the target of a mob of otherwise socially awkward and reserved English geeks looking to kick someone in the ass for the first time in their lives, the literary community launched a lottery to select one person to deliver the ass kick.

A drawing is scheduled for the end of the week.

“Oh, I hope it’s me,” said James Lopez, 17, a member of the drama club and debate team at Kennedy High School, who said Poe is his favorite author. “Pick me pick me pick meeeee.”

Lopez said he was irked that “Hollywood morons” would be making large sums of money for taking ideas from the famously impoverished writer, who lived a difficult life and died at the age of 40 after being found distressed and wandering the streets of Baltimore.

“They didn’t even do it well,” Lopez scoffed. “They took a piece of our culture and made another multi-million dollar piece of shit.”

The revelation of Poe’s wishes for the ass kick was made by scholars at Emory University, who said it was discovered that the writer had made the request verbally and it was never written down.

“We know for a fact he said it based on um, some research that we did, but we don’t have any physical proof,” said John Lewis, professor emeritus for the university’s American Literature department who specialized in Poe's writings. “But we know for sure. We do.”

Lewis said he wasn't opposed to the idea of directing his first and only act of physical aggression at the people responsible for the movie, which he called a “crappy-ass insult to my entire field of work.”

“I put my name in," he said. "Twice.”

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Wal-Mart to fight hunger - if you don't work there

The super-sized retail chain famous for its below-low prices launched an ad campaign this month in which it promised to fight hunger with funds garnished from its lowest-priced goods, sparking hope amongst desperate Wal-Mart employees that they may soon get to eat three square meals in one day.

“I’m so excited,” said a beaming Beatrice Sims, 83, a Wal-Mart greeter whose salary and Supplemental Security Income benefits combined leave her with just enough for a meal of toast every morning. “I haven't been this hungry since the goddamned Great Depression.”

Wal-Mart launched the campaign in an effort to counter widespread beliefs that the mega-chain bribes authorities, tramples workers and undercuts living wage guidelines to make massive profits for its owners, the Walton family.

“We really do care about the less fortunate,” said Blaire Walton, sitting poolside at one of her 32 mansions, between bites of specially-bred greasy chicken wings and imported Belgian chocolates. 

“We make prices really cheap because we like to provide the less fortunate with some cheap products or whatever,” she added, before suddenly dozing off.

Wal-Mart employees, who earn poverty wages and are typically expected to apply for government entitlement benefits like Welfare and foodstamps upon application to supplement their incomes, were ecstatic at the idea that Wal-Mart would be launching a charity program to fight hunger.

“I would eat every piece of food in this store if I could afford it,” said Juan Garcia, 43, a Wal-Mart cashier. “When I get to work I usually haven’t eaten for 12 hours because I have to make sure my two kids eat before I do.”

But to the dismay of Wal-Mart employees everywhere, company executives pointed out that the program wouldn’t benefit employees.

“WE HATE THOSE FUCKING COMMUNIST WELFARE QUEENS,” screamed Blaire Walton before dozing off again between bites of succulent chicken.

When asked for further elaboration, Wal-Mart executive Bill Walton said the program would only help people in “the nation of Africa.”

“We love our employees, so we want them to work hard on this Earth so they can go to heaven,” he said, as he swirled a bright blue-colored wine cooler and climbed into one of his Rolls Royces. “In the Bible it says if you work really hard without complaining for minimum wage at a chain store run by Evangelical values voters who are pro-life, you will be blessed after you die with eternal riches.”

When asked which passage of the Bible specified this, Walton said it’s somewhere in the middle but couldn’t name the exact verse.

"We want to make a positive difference in the world," Walton said, after slapping his driver in the back of the head and screaming that the man would get no tip for being late in opening Walton's car door.

"We're not a Christian company but we do know who our customer base is mmkay," he added "If you spend your hard-earned unemployment checks on Wal-Mart products, not one dollar will go toward our commie workers or hedonism."

Friday, March 30, 2012

Fake breaking news: "Hunger Games" author lashes out at fans, asks for all-black cast in upcoming films

Outraged by racist comments fans made about black characters in the movie adaption of her “Hunger Games” bestseller, author Suzanne Collins on Tuesday asked filmmakers to replace all the white actors in the upcoming film trilogy with more black actors, “just to piss those jerks off.”

The film, based on Collins 2008 novel, opened over the weekend to rave reviews and windfall ticket sales, but also saw fans of the series apparently stunned that the black characters in the book were played by black actors.

When asked whether she was happy with the film’s success, Collins glumly said she was “bummed the fuck out that my readers are such a bunch of stupid racists.”

“Fuck it,” Collins continued. “Jennifer Lawrence is out. I want Angela Bassett to play Katniss Everdeen.”

Acclaimed actress and Academy Award winner Bassett, when reached by phone, said at 54 she’s about 40 years too old to play Katniss but added she wouldn’t turn down the role if offered to her.

“If they want to give me the role, I’ll kill it,” she said, lamenting the lack of quality work for black actresses in Hollywood. “I’m just as good an actor as those crinkly white men who keep getting work, like Nicholson and Hoffman and I look better too. But when was the last time you saw me in a starring role?”

Fan Madison Jameson, 13, found sulking outside the movie theater and tweeting about the movie, said she pictured the character named Rue, who befriends Katniss, to be blonde and look more like herself instead of the young African American actress who portrays Rue in the movie.

“It’s just that my mom always said I can have anything I want as long as I scream loud enough,” Madison said. “Plus there are no black people at my private school or in my neighborhood where we moved to. I think all the books and movies I like should be about ME.”

When asked if she thought she was being racist, Madison said no because “racism doesn’t exist anymore, my teacher said Oprah ended it.”

The interview was cut short when Collins suddenly burst from a bush she was hiding in and started whacking Madison over the head with the book, opened to the page where Rue is described as having “dark brown skin.”

Monday, March 26, 2012

World shocked by unattractive person with singing talent, believed by scientists to be a genetic trait held only by thin, stylish people.

The world was again taken aback by the unheard of spectacle of an unattractive person who is able to sing well on Monday when opera duo Jonathan Antoine and Charlotte Steal took the stage during the “Britain’s Got Talent” competition.

“I’m pretty sure I’m a genetic anomaly,” Antoine said. “I never see other famous singers that look like me so I guess it’s almost impossible to be large and talented too.”

Ryan Seacrest, who is not a host of the show and has no expertise in singing or culture, but always seems to be hanging around red carpet events and random television shows, said it’s scientifically proven that only hot looking people can sing well.

“I’m pretty sure there was a researcher named Darwin… Chance Darwin or something, who discovered that only thin people with good hair and Urban Outifitter clothes can sing well,” he said, brushing back his own frosted locks.

When contacted for further explanation, geneticist Maurice Brown of the Mayo Clinic seemed disgusted.

“Haven’t any of you morons ever heard of Pavarotti? The guy’s huge and looks like an ox, but he’s the best damned singer in the world. Idiots,” he said, then hung up.

Members of the audience Monday seemed equally shocked.

“I was expecting him to suck because he’s not hot like Bieber,” said Jenny Gordon, 16. “That’s why I was rolling my eyes at him before hearing whether he was good or not.”

Jenny’s mother Janice Gordon, 42, said she was equally taken aback.

“I haven’t seen this kind of thing happen for decades, when Susan Boyle was on this show,” she said. “I was just a girl at the time.”

Judge Simon Cowell, who admitted he has been tone deaf all his life and makes all his judgments based on performers’ body type and clothing style, said every once in a while, an unattractive person gets to be on the show based on the audience’s reaction.

“I mean I can’t tell either way whether they can sing, but usually it doesn’t matter anyway, since merit is based on looks,” he said. “Nature can be damned unpredictable, though.”