Friday, March 30, 2012

Fake breaking news: "Hunger Games" author lashes out at fans, asks for all-black cast in upcoming films

Outraged by racist comments fans made about black characters in the movie adaption of her “Hunger Games” bestseller, author Suzanne Collins on Tuesday asked filmmakers to replace all the white actors in the upcoming film trilogy with more black actors, “just to piss those jerks off.”

The film, based on Collins 2008 novel, opened over the weekend to rave reviews and windfall ticket sales, but also saw fans of the series apparently stunned that the black characters in the book were played by black actors.

When asked whether she was happy with the film’s success, Collins glumly said she was “bummed the fuck out that my readers are such a bunch of stupid racists.”

“Fuck it,” Collins continued. “Jennifer Lawrence is out. I want Angela Bassett to play Katniss Everdeen.”

Acclaimed actress and Academy Award winner Bassett, when reached by phone, said at 54 she’s about 40 years too old to play Katniss but added she wouldn’t turn down the role if offered to her.

“If they want to give me the role, I’ll kill it,” she said, lamenting the lack of quality work for black actresses in Hollywood. “I’m just as good an actor as those crinkly white men who keep getting work, like Nicholson and Hoffman and I look better too. But when was the last time you saw me in a starring role?”

Fan Madison Jameson, 13, found sulking outside the movie theater and tweeting about the movie, said she pictured the character named Rue, who befriends Katniss, to be blonde and look more like herself instead of the young African American actress who portrays Rue in the movie.

“It’s just that my mom always said I can have anything I want as long as I scream loud enough,” Madison said. “Plus there are no black people at my private school or in my neighborhood where we moved to. I think all the books and movies I like should be about ME.”

When asked if she thought she was being racist, Madison said no because “racism doesn’t exist anymore, my teacher said Oprah ended it.”

The interview was cut short when Collins suddenly burst from a bush she was hiding in and started whacking Madison over the head with the book, opened to the page where Rue is described as having “dark brown skin.”

Monday, March 26, 2012

World shocked by unattractive person with singing talent, believed by scientists to be a genetic trait held only by thin, stylish people.

The world was again taken aback by the unheard of spectacle of an unattractive person who is able to sing well on Monday when opera duo Jonathan Antoine and Charlotte Steal took the stage during the “Britain’s Got Talent” competition.

“I’m pretty sure I’m a genetic anomaly,” Antoine said. “I never see other famous singers that look like me so I guess it’s almost impossible to be large and talented too.”

Ryan Seacrest, who is not a host of the show and has no expertise in singing or culture, but always seems to be hanging around red carpet events and random television shows, said it’s scientifically proven that only hot looking people can sing well.

“I’m pretty sure there was a researcher named Darwin… Chance Darwin or something, who discovered that only thin people with good hair and Urban Outifitter clothes can sing well,” he said, brushing back his own frosted locks.

When contacted for further explanation, geneticist Maurice Brown of the Mayo Clinic seemed disgusted.

“Haven’t any of you morons ever heard of Pavarotti? The guy’s huge and looks like an ox, but he’s the best damned singer in the world. Idiots,” he said, then hung up.

Members of the audience Monday seemed equally shocked.

“I was expecting him to suck because he’s not hot like Bieber,” said Jenny Gordon, 16. “That’s why I was rolling my eyes at him before hearing whether he was good or not.”

Jenny’s mother Janice Gordon, 42, said she was equally taken aback.

“I haven’t seen this kind of thing happen for decades, when Susan Boyle was on this show,” she said. “I was just a girl at the time.”

Judge Simon Cowell, who admitted he has been tone deaf all his life and makes all his judgments based on performers’ body type and clothing style, said every once in a while, an unattractive person gets to be on the show based on the audience’s reaction.

“I mean I can’t tell either way whether they can sing, but usually it doesn’t matter anyway, since merit is based on looks,” he said. “Nature can be damned unpredictable, though.”