Wal-Mart to fight hunger - if you don't work there

The super-sized retail chain famous for its below-low prices launched an ad campaign this month in which it promised to fight hunger with funds garnished from its lowest-priced goods, sparking hope amongst desperate Wal-Mart employees that they may soon get to eat three square meals in one day.

“I’m so excited,” said a beaming Beatrice Sims, 83, a Wal-Mart greeter whose salary and Supplemental Security Income benefits combined leave her with just enough for a meal of toast every morning. “I haven't been this hungry since the goddamned Great Depression.”

Wal-Mart launched the campaign in an effort to counter widespread beliefs that the mega-chain bribes authorities, tramples workers and undercuts living wage guidelines to make massive profits for its owners, the Walton family.

“We really do care about the less fortunate,” said Blaire Walton, sitting poolside at one of her 32 mansions, between bites of specially-bred greasy chicken wings and imported Belgian chocolates. 

“We make prices really cheap because we like to provide the less fortunate with some cheap products or whatever,” she added, before suddenly dozing off.

Wal-Mart employees, who earn poverty wages and are typically expected to apply for government entitlement benefits like Welfare and foodstamps upon application to supplement their incomes, were ecstatic at the idea that Wal-Mart would be launching a charity program to fight hunger.

“I would eat every piece of food in this store if I could afford it,” said Juan Garcia, 43, a Wal-Mart cashier. “When I get to work I usually haven’t eaten for 12 hours because I have to make sure my two kids eat before I do.”

But to the dismay of Wal-Mart employees everywhere, company executives pointed out that the program wouldn’t benefit employees.

“WE HATE THOSE FUCKING COMMUNIST WELFARE QUEENS,” screamed Blaire Walton before dozing off again between bites of succulent chicken.

When asked for further elaboration, Wal-Mart executive Bill Walton said the program would only help people in “the nation of Africa.”

“We love our employees, so we want them to work hard on this Earth so they can go to heaven,” he said, as he swirled a bright blue-colored wine cooler and climbed into one of his Rolls Royces. “In the Bible it says if you work really hard without complaining for minimum wage at a chain store run by Evangelical values voters who are pro-life, you will be blessed after you die with eternal riches.”

When asked which passage of the Bible specified this, Walton said it’s somewhere in the middle but couldn’t name the exact verse.

"We want to make a positive difference in the world," Walton said, after slapping his driver in the back of the head and screaming that the man would get no tip for being late in opening Walton's car door.

"We're not a Christian company but we do know who our customer base is mmkay," he added "If you spend your hard-earned unemployment checks on Wal-Mart products, not one dollar will go toward our commie workers or hedonism."