Edgar Allan Poe |
Not Edgar Allan Poe |
Revelations this week that literary giant Edgar Allan Poe
had presciently asked before his premature death that a “well-aimed kick in the
parasitic arse” be delivered to anyone who reproduces ideas from his works for
personal monetary gain have left literature lovers from English majors to PhDs surprised
and ecstatic after the release of “The Raven,” a blockbuster movie that takes
its name from one of Poe’s most well-known and loved poems.
“I don’t know about you but my foot is itching,” said Lois Strong,
a 36-year-old PhD candidate in American Romantic literature at the University
of Southern California.
“I can tolerate plotless movies about aliens attacking Los
Angeles or even dopey, pointless movies about big blue avatar people, but why
do they have to steal from artists like Poe?” she wondered. “What’s next, a
romantic comedy about Mary Magdalene? Oh damn, I probably just gave some
Hollywood asshole an idea…”
Petite and bespectacled Strong said she is “ready to open my can of whoop ass,” but may not get the chance.
Petite and bespectacled Strong said she is “ready to open my can of whoop ass,” but may not get the chance.
After a flurry of interest and fears that “The Raven’s”
filmmakers could become the target of a mob of otherwise socially awkward and
reserved English geeks looking to kick someone in the ass for the first time in
their lives, the literary community launched a lottery to select one person to
deliver the ass kick.
A drawing is scheduled for the end of the week.
“Oh, I hope it’s me,” said James Lopez, 17, a member of the
drama club and debate team at Kennedy High School, who said Poe is his favorite
author. “Pick me pick me pick meeeee.”
Lopez said he was irked that “Hollywood morons” would be
making large sums of money for taking ideas from the famously impoverished
writer, who lived a difficult life and died at the age of 40 after being found
distressed and wandering the streets of Baltimore.
“They didn’t even do it well,” Lopez scoffed. “They took a
piece of our culture and made another multi-million dollar piece of shit.”
The revelation of Poe’s wishes for the ass kick was made by
scholars at Emory University, who said it was discovered that the writer had made the
request verbally and it was never written down.
“We know for a fact he said it based on um, some research
that we did, but we don’t have any physical proof,” said John Lewis, professor
emeritus for the university’s American Literature department who specialized in Poe's writings. “But we know for
sure. We do.”
Lewis said he wasn't opposed to the idea of directing his
first and only act of physical aggression at the people responsible
for the movie, which he called a “crappy-ass insult to my entire field of work.”
“I put my name in," he said. "Twice.”